The Wichitan

War hero to be new provost

Caleb Martin

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Caleb Martin

SATIRE

The provost task force is pleased to announce they have found a “well-rounded and overqualified” candidate to take on the job as provost and vice president of academic affairs. The task force has picked Anakin Skywalker, who prefers to be called the “Lord Vader” by those below him, to fill the vacant position.

“It pleases me to have the opportunity to bring order to MSU,” Lord Vader said. “I bring with me insurmountable knowledge and experience in organization and leadership. The Dark Side will flourish in this land under my order.”

Administration has been searching for a new provost since the former provost, Betty Stewart, announced her resignation at the end of the fall semester. The position has a long list of qualifications that the task force says Skywalker “passed with flying colors.”

“He loves order and coordination, which are two very admirable qualities,” Kathleen Williamson, chair of nursing and provost task force leader, said. “He has had many victories, but recognizes his defeats. He hopes to learn from them as he takes on his new position. Going from Supreme Commander of the Imperial Forces to university provost will prove to be a great challenge for him, but we believe he will soar once he gets his footing.”

David Carlston, associate professor of psychology and graduate program coordinator, is hopeful that Lord Vader will perform to the best of his abilities.

“The cape is a little over the top but his resumé speaks for itself,” Carlston said. “I don’t know what an Ewok is and I’m assuming we have none here, so hopefully his progress won’t be hindered [at MSU].”

Other professors wonder what academic experience Lord Vader will bring to MSU.

“It’s great that he’s been second in command before and has a lot of conduct and organization experience, but I fail to see any academic qualifications,” Todd Giles, English professor, said. “The only experience I see that’s remotely credible is when he taught younglings the way of the force, but the retention rate for that class was literally nonexistent.”

While professors ready themselves for the coming of Lord Vader, students don’t appear to be as thrilled with his appointment.

Eric Arumugam, criminal justice senior, said he isn’t too sure about Lord Vader, stating that he finds the future provost to be odd.

“There’s something about that helmet and mask he wears that gives me the creeps,” Arumugam said. “He chokes a lot of people who interrupt him in the middle of sentences, and he breathes really loud and obnoxiously, but I don’t know the guy so who am I to judge?”

Jessica Mowrer, social work junior, says she finds him “disturbing yet oddly charming” and says she “can’t resist a war hero.”

“He’s a little dark and brooding, but we’ve all had our dark times,” Mowrer said. “He just lost a huge war and he’s coming back from his defeat maturely by finding another job. I think that’s admirable. Even though I’ve never seen him smile, I think he’s happy to become our new provost.”

Caleb Martin is a mass communication sophomore.

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War hero to be new provost