Some steroids create better focus, some increase endurance, some increased strength and some increase how the muscles breathe. We’ve seen how amazing the human body and mind can be when using such substances, so why not encourage this practice more?

We’ve seen how these substances have helped in the classroom. According to Jimmy “Too Swole” Jackson, he said he aced his biology midterm when using Ephedrine to increase his mental focus.

“Granted, I lost hearing in my right ear for two weeks, but now I know what I’m capable of with the help of Ephedrine. I’ll give up my ability to hear if it means I get my degree,” Jackson said.

If we give steroids to Greek Life students, we will see for the first time with our own eyes the Greek gods and goddesses right here on our campus. Imagine being in the presence of Zeus himself, then realizing it’s your buddy Chad from Theta Beta Zeta on steroids. Sure his balls might’ve shrunk immensely, but that just makes for a great story to tell after college.

The use of steroids by athletes is prohibited because it’s considered “cheating,” but that’s just ridiculous. With the help of steroids, we could create the first track runner who runs a 40-meter dash in 2.7 seconds, we could create a volleyball player with a 90-inch vertical, we could watch the first-ever rugby player act as if he (or she) is invincible when plowing through other players. Our teams could certainly be first-place contenders if steroids were legalized for their use.

The irrational fear of aliens taking over our planet will no longer be a pressing issue or an issue at all. With the usage of steroids, we will become a super-human species that can’t be matched by challengers. Our strength and endurance will be so great that we could kick an alien’s buttocks with ease. They won’t even try us.