Satire: COVID-19 cancels every major event EXCEPT final exams

As 2020 finally rounds to a close, we’ve seen a wide plethora of major events canceled in hopes of preventing the spread of COVID-19. For some universities, this has even lead to the cancellation of in-person classes. However, there’s one thing that even coronavirus can’t seem to cancel: final exams.

“I mean you would think after all the horrible stuff we’ve had to go through, 2020 would finally give us a break and we’d get out of finals, but I guess not. At this point, I’m starting to think dropping out might be the way to go,” Ivanna Leaf, global studies sophomore, said.

Those with experience with analytics and logistics have noticed a trend in 2020 that doesn’t bode well for university students.

“From all the patterns we’ve observed, it appears 2020 is only capable of canceling something if it provides joy. Christmas? Canceled. The Olympics? Canceled. Finals? No, those can stay,” Coun-Tin Numbas, accounting junior, said.

Some students have blamed professors for continuing to pile on assignments and exams, but professors have assured students that the excessive work is not their doing. Some of the professors have gone so far as to support the students in their disdain for finals.

“Most of the professors didn’t even want to go back to school in the first place,; why would we make more work for ourselves? I don’t know how it happens. I go to sleep without posting any assignments, and I wake up to thirteen assignments posted on D2L and a hundred death threats from my students,” Professor Lebowski, professor of leisure studies, said.

Despite the backlash, a member of MSU’s board of regents spoke about the merits of having final examinations in the middle of instability and deadly diseases.

“Stress is good. Stress builds character. Having an emotional breakdown every thirty seconds is what being a good ol’ fashioned red-blooded American is all about. I know they might hate me now, but in five years when these final grades have had no direct impact on their lives except to cause them stress, I know they’ll thank me,” Scrooge McGrump, board member since 1922, said.

Students have begun protesting the existence of these finals, as well as the cancellation of beloved events on campus. Students have used slogans such as “No education without spring vacation,” “Remember the water fountains,” and “Give me relaxation or give me death” alongside a white flag with a silhouette of a test underneath the words “We don’t want to take it.”

“We’re tired of having all these old people force us to take these exhausting finals while the only thing they stress out about is figuring out ways to stress us out,” Carl Marks, political science senior and student revolutionary, said.

More bad news for college students has recently come out, as the United Nations has announced a worldwide ban on naps for fear that staying in one place may lead to too great of a concentrate of germs in one area. This comes following the United States controversial bill that was passed which requires all college students to now complete a final exam, presentation, essay and choreographed song and dance in order to graduate. The United States Senate will meet later this year to determine if it’s necessary to ban fun itself.

“We’re not sure it’s doing anything coronavirus-wise, but geez, it sure is fun to watch college students freak out,” Senator Bo Ring said.