Students: we are terrible people

The Wichitan

Ben Carson is set to speak at this year’s graduation, and he is sure to give an inspiring speech about the future. He will probably quote classical authors and talk about the job market. He will probably refer to life after graduation as a journey or an adventure, and everyone will be moved by his words. His words of professional wisdom will be received by the friends and families of the graduates as the truth about their loved ones’ future.

If the graduation speech was written by a college student, it would sound something like this:

Graduation is the biggest thing that has happened to me since–ever, I’m assuming. If you’ve done something cooler than graduating from an institution of higher education in your life then this speech isn’t for you. This speech is aimed at the frat guy in the third row who just wants a Bud Light so bad he can taste it right now, because that guy’s life is about to change (hopefully).

First of all, you can’t drink Bud Light anymore, dude. Once you’ve graduated from college, it is no longer acceptable for you to live your life sustained off of terrible tasting beer and ramen noodles.

Now is the time in your life when you’ll learn how you want a steak cooked, how to turn down a one-night stand and that playing Xbox with 12-year-olds in the middle of the night might not be at the top of your priority list. Don’t worry dude, you still have tonight, your graduation night. And we all know, grad. parties are the best.

Now I’ll talk to the nerds. I know the nerds, and I love the nerds. They are the best. This is your moment guys. Your whole life people have been telling you that someday you’ll get back at those school yard jerks that have been picking on you, because you’ll be their boss.

Find the guy who called you a butterface at that party freshman year–that guy may or may not be applying to the same jobs as you, and I hope he is. When you sit down and pull out your three-page resume to show to your future boss, just think about how that guy’s resume wont even get him a job at McDonald’s. Now, reward yourself with a game of Dungeons and Dragons and call it a day.

Moms, look at me. I see you guys with a million tissues hidden in your purse and your eyeliner running a little at the corners. I’m sure what you’re feeling is a mixture of sad and happy and proud and scared and anything else you can possibly want to feel about your kids. Their bright shining faces are happy and excited, and you can’t help but shine with them. Good. You deserve that.

As college students, we are terrible. We are demanding and we want money. Send us care packages. Ask, but don’t pry. You have followed the rules of college etiquette and dealt with us for the good and the bad years. Thank you. You’re our favorite people in the world and who we owe everything to. Don’t judge how much beer we drink at dinner though, because it’s still our day.

Professors, advisors, RAs, you helped mold us into the ultimately awesome people we will become, and now you’re inheriting new young adults to torture with your rules.

Finally, cheers to the incoming freshman. You have huge shoes to fill and lots of mistakes to make over the next four years. Good luck to you, and good luck to the graduating class of 2013.