By Winston Smith

Now that we are reaching the conclusion of the primary season, and after 591 GOP debates, it is time for the annual Liberal Glossary update. This year will not only bring about the end of the world (as prophesied by Mayan peasants high as hell on peyote) but also the next presidential election. This, of course, means that Americans will be exposed to Leftist talking points.

This list is here to assist you during the campaign, to help you decipher just what in the world the Left is trying to tell us. Print this list up, fold it, and put in your pocket to retrieve in the event any of the following occur:

• You are sitting at home, and while flipping through channels, God plays a mean trick on you and the batteries in your remote quit working, leaving you stuck on MSNBC. While suffering through Dante’s fifth level of hell (aka, Hardball with Chris Matthews) you hear words and clichés that you are unsure about being uttered by the sycophantic zombies in suits.

• You are waiting in line at Starbucks and overhear Sasha, the multi-pierced bohemian, and her shorter, skinnier male “friend” Sebastian complaining about the 1% owning everything. You smell hypocrisy in the air but you are not sure why.

• Your sister has returned from college after one semester of indoctrination from a Marxist professor(s) and believes she has been called by Gaia itself to re-educate you and your entire family on how things “ought to be.”

• You are in the mood to agitate or have been told that you suffer from “white privilege.”

Here’s your glossary, comrades:

RACIST- 1) Word used to describe a conservative who is winning a debate. 2) A domestic terrorist who loves Tebowing in public. 3) Any conservative who opposes the government doing anything it is currently doing. 4) Any conservative that only believes in the enumerated powers in the Constitution.

STUPID- 1) Word used to describe a conservative who is winning a debate and “racist” didn’t make them shut up. 2) Word to describe ANY conservative politician, especially presidents. 3) A leftist, intellectual retort. 4) Most effective when used in tandem with “racist.”

MIDDLE AMERICA- An under-developed, third world country believed to be near Canada.

MIDDLE-AMERICANS- 1) Citizens of the country Middle America. 2) Bible-toting, Pistol-shooting, extremist sect of Christianity. 3) Uneducated people that believe being “progressive” means having car insurance. 4) Soldiers of the Wal-Mart Empire.

TEA-PARTY- 1) A collection of racist and stupid Middle Americans living in Middle America that wish for the return of Jim Crow, slavery, plantations, and the invasion of all non-white countries. 2) A cuter name for the KKK.

1%’ER- 1) Anyone who makes more money than a socialist. 2) Does not include anyone that makes more money than a socialist and votes for Democrats. 3) Distrusts the government because Obama is black. 4) Distrusts the government because Obama is half-black.

99%’ER- 1) Anti-Capitalists who use iPhones, MacBooks, Twitter, and Facebook to spread their message. 2) Most outspoken constituency of Democrat Party. 3) Own either a t-shirt or a poster that says “Free Weezy” or “Free Mumia.” 4) Probably earn more through government handouts than you do through actually working.

SOCIALISM- 1) An ideology with no definable tenets, making it impossible to connect to any Democrat. 2) An ideology that strangely is dominated by Democrats anyway. 3) The ideology of Jesus, thus making us all equally the Son of God.

PRO-CHOICE- 1) Pertains only to those wanting to destroy a fetus. 2) Does not apply to those wanting to own a gun.

FETUS- 1) A life-threatening tumor that must be removed immediately before it causes the mother and father to act responsibly. 2) Potential worker to raise taxes on. 3) A collection of cells that will never have the opportunity to decide if it is pro-choice or not.

HIV/AIDS- 1) A heterosexual disease that occasionally infects homosexuals and drug addicts due to lack of conservative empathy and understanding. 2) Created by Ronald Reagan in an effort to kill minorities and gays.

ABSTINENCE- 1) A myth propagated by the religious right that makes the absurd notion that not having sex prevents teen pregnancy and the spread of STD’s. 2) Conservative oppression of those wanting to ride dirty. 3) Occasionally practiced by politicians in bathroom stalls in public places.

RACIAL PROFILING- 1) Something that occurs whenever a minority gets pulled over by the police. 2) Acceptable only when considering minority college applications.

PORNOGRAPHY- 1) The artistic expression of the human spirit that embodies the magnificence of the physical being and the longing for interaction in a caring, mutual, and respectful environment of love and affection. 2) Third grade sex-ed.

HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE- 1) An outdated social contract that doesn’t work. 2) Legalized female prostitution. 3) A dangerous obstacle that prevents the full implementation of the Democrat Party platform of entitlement

DIVERSITY- 1) People of different colors, ethnicities, religions, and sexual orientations gathered in one place but thinking exactly the same. 2) A religion practiced by ACLU lawyers

ENTITLEMENT- 1) Similar to the conservative definition of a “job”.

BILL OF RIGHTS- 1) A collection of outdated ideas written by a bunch of old white farts. 2) Highly subjective list of suggestions that only liberal judges can determine the intent of.

HATE SPEECH- 1) Any word or collection of words that refutes liberal ideology. 2) The Gospels. 3) This glossary.

SEX- 1) Except for drugs, the most important aspect of one’s life. 2) Used to expand the significance of a TV sitcom. 3) The number one reason Democrats hire interns.

GLOBAL WARMING- 1) Symbolized by the three tenets: Too much rain, not enough rain, average amount of rain. 2) Believed by conservatives to be the reason we are no longer in an ice age.

THE RICH- Republicans that make more than $40,000 a year.

THE JUDICIARY- 1) A collection of higher beings used to turn liberal ideas into settled law. 2) Final authority of progressive thought.

OBAMA- 1) God. 2) Someone that causes tingling sensations to run down your leg. 3) asdfghkjhhh. 4) Sorry, I just fainted. 5) Your banker. 6) Your healthcare provider. 7) Your car dealer. 8) Your home owner. 9) Your everything.